Insomnia

I have to teach my weekly tutorial in five hours. I can’t sleep. Tutorials are routine, I’m not worried about them, but still I’m here, heart pounding and thoughts racing at 5:30 am. Granted, I did consume a prodigious amount of caffeine in an effort to alleviate stress and listlessness a few hours ago so I could finish up prepping my tutorial plans. Still, I feel cheated of sleep.

Beyond just putting words onscreen, I don’t have much of a goal in writing this other than one fear: I know that insomnia is a potent trigger for self-harm and other impulsive and harmful behaviours. Never, ever, do I feel more alone, more worthless, more isolated than when I’m deprived of sleep and dreading the next day’s coming responsibilities. My brain won’t let me sleep! How could I ever finish any assignments?

Tomorrow, in all likelihood, I’ll wake up too early, do a sleepy but competent job and attend my office hours with vigilance. Then I’ll once again fail to get to sleep until the sun rises, be too tired to do anything the next day, and so on. It’s a pattern that repeats itself over and over. Once in awhile I’ll have a week or two where laundry and cleaning get done, dishes are washed, clothes put away, efforts made to further long-term projects. But most of the time, to be honest, my brain doesn’t let me do those things.

I can’t even sleep. How am I supposed to achieve anything when the sun comes up and I’m on the hook for more lost hours, forced to go to caffeine sources again and again, the stress compounding and, throughout, a creeping sense of sickening worthlessness creeping in?

I just hope that next week will be better, and there’s no planning for that. There are ways of coping, ways of adjusting slightly, ways of attempting to improve my situation. And I keep all those in mind. But there’s nothing I can do right now––the sleep is already lost, and I’m once again facing down a sickening sunrise wondering if there’s anything, anything! I could do to make it better.

Out Like a Lamb: Day 10: Depression and Anxiety

OUT Like a Lamb banner

This post will be even shorter than usual. Reasons for this are easy to come by. I don’t feel like giving a blow-by blow of my depressive episodes, nor is this topic one I feel much at liberty to discuss. So I will make this quick.

When I wake up every morning, there is no telling whether I will be able to get out of bed without extreme effort. Walking into a room with people I haven’t seen before, I can go into a panic attack and hide away. I feel awkward making eye contact, I have missed several appointments because of social anxiety and a hesitance to go outside (especially since it takes a great deal of effort to get my look together and feel confident). It’s easy to get me to cry because I slip into depressions where my self-esteem and will to move around evaporate. Even things I enjoy cannot entice, and life feels without worth.

And, guess what? I am fully capable of living a happy and fulfilling life. In fact, I manage to do just that much of the time despite my struggles. What I cannot abide is people telling me what’s best for me, as if they know what will make me happy, if I just listen to them. In no uncertain terms, to hell with that. I am the best qualified person to know what I need, even if I am not capable of solving all of my problems by myself. My input is the most important one, because only I can tell how I am actually feeling. Empathy and sympathy can only go so far, and what people need to get through their skulls is that they need to understand me on an intellectual and emotional level, and give me the autonomy to address my own issues, to reject the impulse that tells them that they know better.

Trans people, in particular, ought to be left alone to develop freely and form our own associations and ways of being in the world. Nothing makes me angrier than people who are trying to “help” but do the opposite because of their ignorance and emotional clumsiness. Good night everyone!

March 21: Tomorrow is my post dealing with all matters religious–at least ones that can be put in under 1000 words. that said, it will be one of the longer ones.

March 22: A lighter touch the day after tomorrow. Time to talk about Magic: The Gathering. My favourite hobby will come to my blog for the first time, at least in full post form.

March 23: Another fun one, this time on my art, especially drawing and poster design. Regular readers will already recognize much of the latter, but there will be fun for everyone in this post!